looking back with gratitude

things have been surreal since the year started. not that it's a bad thing. it actually feels good... 2005 has been good to me so far.

i got this text message from bianca lozada (gosh. can't believe she's married) the other day and she asked me how i was doing. told her about getting into APFI and said that "i've never been this happy since i left ateneo." i couldn't help but snicker at that statement... i've never been this happy since i left ateneo.

fact is, i was such a goody-goody kid back in high school. i was the responsible and focused girl who got high grades... who never drank or smoked... who was aaaalways obedient to her parents... who was insanely religious (and was even part of the school music ministry which sang for all the masses in school)... who was trusting and entirely optimistic about life. to most people, i was a perfect 17 year old, but THAT surprisingly distraught me. altho my teachers would continually assure me that I was this "potentially able soul", that just kinda bogged me down. i guess i felt that i was missing out on things... the usual "mistakes" the cooler, less-responsible kids my age made.

and so i looked forward to entering college. not that i had planned on making every single mistake possible, but i vowed to myself that i'd experience as much as i could while i had the chance. and i did... a little too much pa nga ata eh. experienced a lot of my firsts and a few of my lasts... heartaches... bliss... a LOT of fun... pressure... painful shit... it was a mixture of sorts that summed up to a rough ride. okay lang. i guess now that i think about it, i wouldn't have changed anything from those experiences, no matter how painful. i love how i've learned so much about people, about trusting and choosing your friends, and the blessing that is family. altho college may have been the "shallow" end of life, it was life nonetheless. i was happy living life.

when i left the university, life took a sudden halt. for about a year or two, i was in a rut... this really long depression stage that i honestly didn't think would recede. unlike my batchmates, the rut had nothing to do with being unemployed or in limbo. it was all about failing to recover from a certain trauma, which i didn't realize scarred me deeply til later on. it took a really long while for me to be okay... and heaven knows how glad i am to be where i am right now. okay. happy. content.

it's crazy how the littlest matters become more meaningful than the bigger ones... being part of Pansitan, for example... or finding out about APFI... or having my little nephews here at home. my last intent is to sound cheesy or charismatic, but i just have to say how thankful i am for the blessings that have been granted to me this year. it's just so cool how God works in mysterious ways.